Last night,
I almost wrapped
my car around
the flag pole I
pass every night on
my home from you
(but I didn't).
So this morning,
I went to Mass
to find where I
can put my struggles,
besides putting them
inside my favorite
coffee in the
mornings
(I'm not Catholic).
The Father said,
My child, you are not
alone in your struggle
with life and darkness
(not death)
do not resort to
anything other than
prayer, my child,
and you will find your way
(or it was something
like that, of course).
I tried this morning
to pray but it sounded
more like my favorite
80's rock band song
instead, and that
made me wonder
about how the rockers
felt--after the adrenaline
and the highs had worn
off from long shows
(and cocaine).
I wanted to call you.
I really did.
I wanted to
play the game where
we hide under the warm
caramel sheets and tell
each other we love
each other and we use
each other to feel better
and once we do,
I pass the flag pole
and scream into my
steering wheel
(On second thought,
maybe it'd be better if
you didn't call).
After all, I'm
supposed to be praying
(Catholics don't commit suicide).
This is incredibly beautiful. The second line do you mean "On my [way] home" is sounded a little jarring. Also i think the last line would also be good as a title. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI love the descriptive qualities this poem has, as well as the words in parenthesis. They add a beautiful sort of depth to the poem (in my opinion.)
ReplyDeleteI do agree with Madge though, with the 'On my way home'. It did seem to throw the poem off a little...
But perhaps that was just a small overlooked error.
It's a really lovely little thing. I like it a lot.
So I keep trying to come on here and critique stuff
ReplyDeleteand then I reach this
and
um
um
I guess it wouldn't *hurt* to get rid of the comma after "The Father said" and maybe adding one after "life and darkness/(not death)" maybe?
Actually I personally would just say "80's rock song" and not "80's rock band song".
Thanks! This is really helpful.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thanks Robby. You made my day :)